Love & Mental Illness

First published November 2021 Flyy Girl Zone Magazine Updated September 2024

Being a Black single woman in the dating game today is challenging, especially when the goal is to find a long-term relationship. Whether someone is an introvert, an extrovert, or maybe a little bit of both, finding Mr. Right can be a daunting task. Online dating is no better than meeting someone at the club unless you’re looking for the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am because that’s all they want. Even eHarmony has its fair share of weirdos. Multiple times during the day, a woman has a guy on social media in her inbox saying something stupid.

Dating is not too different for the woman managing a mental illness but meeting the right guy can be laborious. The real challenge, however, is finding a man who accepts and supports her without the influence of mental illness stigmas. But misinformation about mental illnesses is everywhere and sways our perception of those who are diagnosed with one.

The Media is the biggest contributor to mental illness stigmas. What's a good story without some drama? Most of the material they use, however, comes from earlier eras before medical professionals knew what to do with psychiatric patients. There is always a dangerously psychotic character in a scene who must be locked up at all times because he poses a threat to everyone. Then there’s the character who rocks back and forth and spills all the tea about what goes on in the hospital, but no one believes her because they think she’s delusional. Let’s not forget the character who sits alone in a chair, invisible to everyone, but she’s the key to survival. Sure, there are people like that in mental institutions, even in our neighborhoods, but it is not a correct depiction of how a psychiatric ward or what a mental illness is.

For starters, mental illness is personal, and no two people will have the same experiences. There are different causal factors for mental disorders, such as traumatic brain injury, environmental causes, betrayal traumas, etc. One person experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not have the same triggers as another person. The most important thing to remember about mental illness is that it is a response to a person being unhealthy and unaligned. Just because society has separated church (the body) and state (the mind) doesn’t mean the body follows suit. An illness of the mind usually points to a dis-eased spirit. Someone who feels pain usually responds to it emotionally. All these things are central to understanding someone who is managing a mental illness, especially in a relationship.

The most important relationship anyone can have is with their self. Before starting a new romantic relationship, a person must first learn who they are. It is important to learn about the diagnosis, triggers, and the cause(s) of an illness to self-regulate. For instance, Quintonna was diagnosed with Bipolar and learned that a major trigger for her mania is the excitement that comes from beginning something new. She knows, that if she does not regulate her sleep pattern she can go into a manic episode, and then unexpectedly fall into a depression. Quintonna’s boyfriend, Jayshon, supports her when she needs the space to manage her illness. So, it is possible to find love while managing a mental illness, but it requires knowing what we want in a partner first.

It’s not always simple for partners to define what they want out of the relationship. Some people want a strictly sexual relationship, while others want a monogamous relationship. Not being clear in the beginning about what to expect from the relationship can de-stabilize someone who has their illness under control. The following is an adaptation of a list of relationships from the article “6 Basic Types Of Romantic Relationships & How To Define Yours,” by Kelly Gonsalves.

1. Dating- At the basic level, is what sets the foundation for any relationship. At the dating stage, the people involved will determine what they want out of the relationship. Usually, at this stage, one person decides whether they want a short- or long-term relationship, a sexual relationship, a friendship, etc.

   
   

2. Committed Relationship- In this type of relationship, the couple has established their need for more than a casual relationship. Usually, both people are looking for a title or label, anything that can clarify where the relationship is going.

   
   

3. Casual Relationships- Casual dating can get a little messy for the people involved if they are not clear about their intentions. In this type of relationship, most people are spending time together, have a sexual relationship, and may even be seeing other people. It is easy to become emotionally attached to someone at this stage, and it can be devastating when one person wants more, but the other doesn’t. This can cause emotional triggers for someone managing a mental illness. For instance, if Tania isn’t interested in a long-term committed relationship with Brandon, it could trigger her schizoaffective disorder when he pressures her for more.

   
   

4. Situationship- This type of relationship lacks clarity, a title, and a definition. Usually, people in a situationship don’t want to define the relationship because they have gotten comfortable with the current situation and do not want to “complicate” things. A situationship poses the same threat to a person managing a mental illness as a casual relationship.

   
   

5. Casual Sex- Having a relationship based on sex without emotions is the basic idea of casual sex. Usually, neither party involved is interested in a long-term relationship. This can be in the form of a one-night stand, sex between acquaintances, or it can be defined as “friends with benefits.” Be ware, however, that emotional attachment can occur.

   
   

It is easy for lines to get blurred when a relationship lacks definition. The best thing for someone managing a mental illness to do is to figure out what type of relationship they want before they begin dating. Someone who doesn’t know what they are looking for is not ready to discuss their mental health needs with a potential partner.

Can we agree that it would be unproductive and a major setback if someone discloses their mental health diagnosis too soon? Consider the person who takes advantage of someone with a mental illness or uses their mental illness against them. For example, some people learn about a person’s triggers to gaslight and use it against them later. Disclosing a diagnosis too early can cause a person to form an opinion solely based on stigmas and may hinder them from getting to know the person. My suggestion is to practice having a conversation with yourself to prepare for the questions they may have.

The most important thing a person can do after disclosing a diagnosis is to give their partner time to process the information. It may not be easy to disclose, but it may not be easy to hear either. You must give them a few days to digest what they heard, even if they feel they don’t need it. The next step is to ask them where they see the relationship going, and do not compromise on what you are looking for. If they do not know or want the same thing as you, then cut them loose.

People who are living with a mental illness can lead a healthy, stable, and productive life once they have done the necessary work to heal and maintain their mental health. It is possible for someone managing a mental illness to form a productive relationship with a supportive partner. Setting boundaries, establishing a self-care routine, and knowing what you want can reduce the uncertainty of dating.

References

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/types-of-relationships

You	Can I talk to you about something? (Partner agrees). When I was 10 years old, I was abused by a friend of the family.
Partner	I’m sorry to hear that. That’s messed up.
You	Yeah, it affected me in so many ways.
Partner	How’s that?
You	I became withdrawn, over-protective of myself, and when I got old enough to have a relationship, it never worked out. I had some serious trust issues and became depressed over time.
Partner	That’s understandable. Are you okay now?
You	I’m managing. I developed a mental illness as a result of me not getting the help that I needed.
Partner	A mental illness? What kind of mental illness?
You	Bipolar disorder and PTSD.
Partner	Whoa…Are you violent? I mean…have you hurt anyone? Do you take medication?
You	Violent? No. No, I’m not violent. I do take medication to manage. I practice self-care, and I see a therapist once a week.
Partner	Okay. Well, I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone who has had a mental illness before. Uhh…I need some time to think about where to go from here.
You	That’s understandable. Let’s talk in a few days.